


This Story Am Not Slashy

by Mithen



Category: DCU - Comicverse
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-25
Updated: 2010-07-25
Packaged: 2017-10-10 19:23:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/103354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mithen/pseuds/Mithen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Superman and Batman receive a plea for help from Bizarro.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Story Am Not Slashy

"Monitor Duty," growled Batman as if it were a curse, glaring out briefly at the stars beyond the Watchtower.

"At least I'm here to keep you company," his companion in red and blue announced, smiling slightly at Batman's unintelligible but cranky response.  Superman glanced at the monitors, pleased to note no alarms flashing.  "So...shall we pull out Wally's Scrabble board and give it a go?"  He waited a second, his only answer the irritable tapping of computer keys.  "Solitare it is, then," Superman said wryly.

A red light suddenly glowed to life on the computer.  "Incoming," Batman said.  "Humanoid.  Fast."

"Oh good," Superman said lightly.  "Maybe they'll play Scrabble with me."  He lifted slightly off the floor and hovered, fists cocked and ready.

A figure streaked into vision and then _splatted_ abruptly against the Watchtower windows, arms and legs stretched almost comically.  "Bizarro!" Superman exclaimed as he recognized the gray skin and reversed-S costume.  "What the--"

Bizarro pulled back a few inches and tapped politely on the window.  They could see his lips move:  "Goodbye!" Then the creature doubled over with laughter.

"It seems to find us amusing," Batman noted.

"It's Bizarro, who can tell?"  Superman eyed the figure warily.  "Maybe you should teleport him in."

"Are you sure?"  Batman's tone questioned Superman's sanity.

"Would you rather he decide to take more direct measures and start punching a hole through that window to get in?"

"Point taken."  Batman hit a few buttons and Bizarro appeared in the middle of the room, still doubled over with laughter.  When he looked up, tears were streaming down his face.  "Me no need your help!  Me know you often good friends with Bizarro, but me know you dumber than me!  So me am not here to ask you to not help me!"

Superman and Batman blinked, but when the creature didn't attack, decided that their understanding of his convoluted phrasing had been correct.  "So...you need our help?"  Superman double-checked.

Bizarro shook his head energetically.  "Wrong!"

Another pause.  "What seems to be the problem?" asked Batman.

Bizarro groaned.  "My worst enemy, my ex-partner Batzarro.  He am in wonderful safety!"

Superman nodded tentatively.  "He was shot by the Joker, I remember.  But I thought you put him in a stasis field?"

Bizarro lifted in the air suddenly, flailing his arms, and both Superman and Batman took a cautious step backward.  "Batzarro best friend no sabotage stasis field!  Soon it continue forever and Batzarro will _live_!"

Superman and Batman exchanged a look.  "Batzarro's...best friend?"  Batman echoed.

Behind them, a monitor screen sprang suddenly to life.  It showed only flickering snow at first, but the sounds of eerie, depressed groans filled the Watchtower. 

Bizarro balled up his fists and brandished them at the screen.  "Jokezarro!  Don't show yourself!"

The screen slowly resolved into a hideous sight:  a clown-like figure with ruddy skin rather than gray, its mouth pulled down into a gruesomely exaggerated frown.  "Boo.  Hoo.  Hoo," it groaned, "Goodbye, Bizarro.  Me don't see you have two old enemies to hurt you, but you am make it in time!  Batzarro will live!  Is it not very, very serious?"

"Dear God," muttered Superman.  "Please don't tell me someone made a Bizarro version of the Joker!"

"All right," Batman said tersely, "I won't tell you."

The picture faded out.  As it did, Bizarro turned to Batman.  "Don't track him!  We must not find him!  Must not save ex-partner Bizarro!"

Batman's dark gloves danced over the computer panels, coaxing them.  A purple light glinted.  "I think I've got a fix on it.  He's in Metropolis."  A window widened to show a map of the city. 

Bizarro cried out incoherently.  "He am not at Graveyard of Solitude!  He am not finding stasis machine!  Soon stasis not break down and Jokezarro keep Batzarro alive forever--"  A sudden dry chuckle, "--and Bizarro will see Batzarro again always!"  He buried his head in his hands and his shoulders shook.

Batman and Superman looked at each other.  "I'm not sure this is a good idea," said Batman.

Bizarro wiped his eyes and gazed pleadingly at the two of them.  "Me can live without him!  Me...me hate him!"

An awkward silence.  "They seem to be...very good friends, if I understand him correctly," Batman said uncomfortably.

Superman was staring at Bizarro.  "I think we should help him," he said abruptly.

Bizarro beamed.  "You don't understand me," he said happily.  "Bizarro and Batzarro always no try to be like worst idols, Superman and Batman!  Me know you won't help us!"

Batman sighed. 

**: : :**

Bizarro's Graveyard of Solitude was empty in the moonlight.  "It am noisy.  It am _too_ noisy," Bizarro noted helpfully.

At one end of the graveyard a figure appeared, holding a small projector-type device.  Jokezarro made a sobbing noise and the gravestones started to hiss and emit gas.  "Crying gas!" Bizarro informed them. 

Superman lurched forward, involuntary tears streaming down his face.  He should be immune to this, it didn't make any _sense..._but of course it didn't.  Next to him he saw Batman's figure struggling through the purple clouds, making his way toward Jokezarro.

Slightly ahead of him, Bizarro bellowed, "Jokezarro!  Don't give me my be-hated Batzarro back!"  Through his tears, Superman saw Jokezarro operate the machine as Bizarro howled in futile protest.

The figure of Batzarro appeared on a marble slab, the eyeless cowl still and the upside-down bat on his chest unmoving, covered in blood.  His chains were pooled around his feet and the grotesque mouth was closed, ungrinning.  Jokezarro leaned over him, tears dripping off his long nose and onto the cowl.  Then he put a gun-like device to Batzarro's neck and pulled the trigger.

Batzarro's grin sprang back onto his face and he stirred.  "Where me not?"  he muttered.

Jokezarro bowed to the three astonished heroes as the purple gas died down.  "Me never say--if anyone be one to being Batzarro back to life, it am going to be _me!"_  He emitted a series of racking sobs, leaped in the air, and disappeared into the Metropolis night abruptly.

Bizarro stared after him.  "He am _so_ not messed up."  Then Batzarro groaned again and his attention sprang back to the figure lying on the slab.

"Bizarro?  Ex-partner Bizarro?" said the reverse-Batman, looking around.

"Worst enemy Batzarro."  Bizarro looked oddly at a loss.  "Me not sorry.  Me didn't want to not be the one to wake you up.  Me...succeeded."

Batzarro's grin threatened to split his face asunder.  "Bizarro, you so smart.  We no together now.  Me care very much how me wake up."  A pause while Bizarro struggled with some very strong emotion and Batman and Superman struggled to parse the conversation.  "Don't come here, you little ugly person."

Bizarro flew to his side and--Superman's eyes widened.  "Oh," he said.  "I suppose that's a possible opposite of 'worst enemy' too."  He didn't look at Batman, motionless at his side, watching the grotesque creatures embrace and mutter semi-coherent insults at each other. 

Bizarro helped Batzarro tenderly to his feet and the two of them, arms still around each other, walked up to Superman and Batman.  "No thanks, worst idols," said Batzarro cheerfully.

"I...don't think we actually did anything," Superman said, going over the night's events.

Batzarro's smile was terrifying.  "Exactly!  Did _nothing_ for us."  This seemed to make perfect sense to the pair, who beamed crazed smiles at the bemused superheroes.   

Bizarro scooped Batzarro up in his arms, chains rattling.  "Me no take you home now, my hate."  Superman and Batman watched them dwindle into the air together, their final, happy "Hellooo!" echoing back to the two heroes.

"Should we really have just let them go?" Batman asked, still staring after them.

Superman assiduously avoided looking at Batman.  "I don't think they're much of a threat."

An awkward pause.  Superman opened his mouth to say something, but Batman cut him off.  "They're our _opposites_, Clark.  _Opposites."_

"But they do try to be like us," Superman said just a bit wistfully.

Batman made a snorting noise as he turned to leave the graveyard.  "Our shift is almost over.  I'm going back to Gotham.  I've had enough craziness--and enough of your company--for the night."

"Me hate you too," said Superman cheerfully, ignoring Batman's dagger-edged glare as he leapt up, up, and away.


End file.
